My relationship

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I turned on a podcast today just to turn it off after two or three minutes. After a long, long time my inner conversation in English emerged. I used to talk to myself in English when I was slightly younger – 1. because I wanted to progress in English 2. to gain trust while verbally talking in English 3. to learn to express my ideas effectively. All this and more helped me to achieve my dreams, to talk and to gain the status quo in my town of little know-it-all in English.

So today, I imagined the conversation again. I feel my posts reflect my relationship with my loving one in different ways, not so always positive. While I do not know whether he would agree that I feel like talking about this openly to the world – I am going to do it. He is the one who has been encouraging me to go back to writing even though he read only few posts. The reason for this I can only guess, is that he didn’t understand what he was reading and was scared of the content. Anyway, I would like to sort of rewrite my little inner conversation to a blog post even though it might be personal. But then being personal means we let ourselves be open to each other, we are exposing ourselves in little hope we would be understood and it also means we are unique in what we are saying.

I don’t know whether you would argue with me or not (you can leave a comment about that) but I do think the position of a woman in relationship is far more difficult than the position of a man. Woman loves man for exactly who he is. At the beginning, he is perfect in all he is and does and as he gets older, his imperfections become even more perfect to a woman. She might moan about him leaving dirty socks everywhere (not my case :D) or similar example but she takes it as it is and in fact, she probably wouldn’t want to change it.

Woman in relationship is different story. First, there is initial spark, love at first sight from man. If he was in relationship just before being with this one – she represents everything that the previous one didn’t have. It’s like miracle that he has found (this is similar with women getting into new relationships). The woman at that point cares about herself, even in shared household as never before. Always perfectly shaved/make up whatever. There is no way she would pee/poo/fart 😀 in front of him. As the two go through more difficult things, these details get normal. We’re human after all.

After that initial spark, first couple of months spent together in the same household, they know more or less what piss them about each other but they do not say it yet. A man converts his perfect woman into a woman in a household and has certain expectations. These expectations are usually based on his mother, on the environment he grew up in. These expectations are also usually and easily met by a woman if only she came from the similar environment.

After a good amount of time her imperfections also start to piss him off but who knows, maybe he also doesn’t want her to be somebody else. Then as he starts to think about children he looks at her as the mother of his children.

In a lucky relationship, he can find a balance in his mind – to realize his woman is his perfect lover, perfect friend, great companion, perfect housewife and mother. I do have the lucky relationship even though we both struggle with our perceptions of “perfect or great”. Nonetheless, our only problem is when our different environments are in conflict. I grew up in *completely* different family than he did. For me, it’s hard to get accustomed to few things but I am trying as long as it makes sense and it is not part of social pressure.

Our other problem is my moaning. He believes I moan about anything and everything and in fact, he is right. In my eyes, it is the way I express myself. I never shut up. I had problems in primary school, on athletic trainings and competitions, at high school and parliament. But my problems turned to be my best friends and people loved it. In time, everybody realized that if I say something, it makes sense and it is actually worthwhile to listen. I gained a lot of leadership positions because I just never shut up. I think to moan about something means that you do not get satisfied with what world is offering you but constantly asking for more. I do know that as I am pregnant, I become difficult and I am exaggerating in most cases. The difference between me and my loving one is that he simply takes everything as it is and loves it that way. He does not complain or moan. I wish I could do that sometimes but then again – we make a perfect balance.

I love him the way he is and even though he is my prior family know, the father of my only child, I sometimes get mad at him beyond understanding and wish to leave. But as I write now, having in mind we didn’t have any argument for last few days, I am happy where I am and with who I am. Most of all, since the beginning, he has been the only person I would want to have children with, the only person I would appoint as my father if I could.

So that was my inner conversation mainly about and I am glad I could share it with the world, even though the world does not see it much 🙂 Thanks for reading 🙂

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Living Lies

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“Living life, fulfilling it by buying lies. ” – Bliss

It occured to me after difficult emotional weekend that people live their lives by buying lies. They try to fool their reality into something that it is not just because they are afraid of the dark aspects of life.

I don’t think I had slept tonight and I decided on one thing. To survive, you’ve got to think about life as you were at school. You don’t agree with most things they teach you but you’ve got to obey their rules so once you’re out of it, you will play by your own.

But how could you get out of your false life? Well, as far as me, I will escape by writing blog posts, seeking authenticity and talking to soulmates. I know that it is the way I am supposed to live my real life but there isn’t a way for me to be me right now. There is too much misunderstanding that is just not worth the pain.

Unfortunately, we people really show the most of us to people who mean least to us. Just because we seek the understanding. And when it doesn’t come, it’s time to be an actor or actress. My schoolmates said upon leaving school that once I will take an Oscar. Well I do think I will for the lifelong role of happy wife with kids, pushing pram among shallow people, laughing at their pointless jokes and watching their stupid films or soap operas.

I do realize, as I write, that it is completely wrong. But I guess it will be a life of a spy. Pretending I am one of them while laughing at their reality on my blog. That’s the only way I figured out so far and it might change on Wednesday or later in my life.

I never wanted to give in, I thought I could be me. I silenced myself on my old blog which was a clear sign that something is wrong with me. I tried to explain it to my loving one that I don’t want to wake up in 5 years and realize it’s not me. For two and half years I tried to be me as much as possible and I think I was doing just great. Until I really got to a point when in my life, there were only shallow people and I fought with them. That is when everybody turned their backs to me, including the one I love/d.

Nowadays, I know nobody around me understand me. And just as I said in my last blog, I will not allow them to understand me because they are not worth it. It’s too many of them and I look like a fool just because I seek authentic life not routine or lies.

I didn’t want to go along and quietly accept it no matter what I felt  because ultimately I would internalize with what I was saying. That’s why I need to be fully aware of the spy game and keep myself sane among my true friends and my blog where I hope to find similar people in the future.

The rules are simple. Basically never say what you truly think, smile like you’ve just smoked pot and pretend to live the lies they love. Maybe they will eventually teach me something through my own observations.

Still you might ask what’s the point to go against my own beliefs? Well simply cuz I do have the courage to do it, compared to them, they would never even dared to try going the less travelled way.

“Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

If it doesn’t work  I hope I will have enough courage to be myself and leave. Because even the fear of death is nothing compared to the fear of not having lived authentically and fully. And if I can’t do it this “game way”, then I need to really do it.

Unfortunately, life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. So I am moving on. May I *live* all days of my life from now.