My relationship

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I turned on a podcast today just to turn it off after two or three minutes. After a long, long time my inner conversation in English emerged. I used to talk to myself in English when I was slightly younger – 1. because I wanted to progress in English 2. to gain trust while verbally talking in English 3. to learn to express my ideas effectively. All this and more helped me to achieve my dreams, to talk and to gain the status quo in my town of little know-it-all in English.

So today, I imagined the conversation again. I feel my posts reflect my relationship with my loving one in different ways, not so always positive. While I do not know whether he would agree that I feel like talking about this openly to the world – I am going to do it. He is the one who has been encouraging me to go back to writing even though he read only few posts. The reason for this I can only guess, is that he didn’t understand what he was reading and was scared of the content. Anyway, I would like to sort of rewrite my little inner conversation to a blog post even though it might be personal. But then being personal means we let ourselves be open to each other, we are exposing ourselves in little hope we would be understood and it also means we are unique in what we are saying.

I don’t know whether you would argue with me or not (you can leave a comment about that) but I do think the position of a woman in relationship is far more difficult than the position of a man. Woman loves man for exactly who he is. At the beginning, he is perfect in all he is and does and as he gets older, his imperfections become even more perfect to a woman. She might moan about him leaving dirty socks everywhere (not my case :D) or similar example but she takes it as it is and in fact, she probably wouldn’t want to change it.

Woman in relationship is different story. First, there is initial spark, love at first sight from man. If he was in relationship just before being with this one – she represents everything that the previous one didn’t have. It’s like miracle that he has found (this is similar with women getting into new relationships). The woman at that point cares about herself, even in shared household as never before. Always perfectly shaved/make up whatever. There is no way she would pee/poo/fart 😀 in front of him. As the two go through more difficult things, these details get normal. We’re human after all.

After that initial spark, first couple of months spent together in the same household, they know more or less what piss them about each other but they do not say it yet. A man converts his perfect woman into a woman in a household and has certain expectations. These expectations are usually based on his mother, on the environment he grew up in. These expectations are also usually and easily met by a woman if only she came from the similar environment.

After a good amount of time her imperfections also start to piss him off but who knows, maybe he also doesn’t want her to be somebody else. Then as he starts to think about children he looks at her as the mother of his children.

In a lucky relationship, he can find a balance in his mind – to realize his woman is his perfect lover, perfect friend, great companion, perfect housewife and mother. I do have the lucky relationship even though we both struggle with our perceptions of “perfect or great”. Nonetheless, our only problem is when our different environments are in conflict. I grew up in *completely* different family than he did. For me, it’s hard to get accustomed to few things but I am trying as long as it makes sense and it is not part of social pressure.

Our other problem is my moaning. He believes I moan about anything and everything and in fact, he is right. In my eyes, it is the way I express myself. I never shut up. I had problems in primary school, on athletic trainings and competitions, at high school and parliament. But my problems turned to be my best friends and people loved it. In time, everybody realized that if I say something, it makes sense and it is actually worthwhile to listen. I gained a lot of leadership positions because I just never shut up. I think to moan about something means that you do not get satisfied with what world is offering you but constantly asking for more. I do know that as I am pregnant, I become difficult and I am exaggerating in most cases. The difference between me and my loving one is that he simply takes everything as it is and loves it that way. He does not complain or moan. I wish I could do that sometimes but then again – we make a perfect balance.

I love him the way he is and even though he is my prior family know, the father of my only child, I sometimes get mad at him beyond understanding and wish to leave. But as I write now, having in mind we didn’t have any argument for last few days, I am happy where I am and with who I am. Most of all, since the beginning, he has been the only person I would want to have children with, the only person I would appoint as my father if I could.

So that was my inner conversation mainly about and I am glad I could share it with the world, even though the world does not see it much 🙂 Thanks for reading 🙂

First ultrasound

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On Wednesday, my life changed forever. The kid is there, has got 16,5 cm and it was the loveliest thing to see him/her moving his legs and arms. He/She is alive, it wasn’t just a positive pregnancy test, it was my first real confirmation and the one that made me burst into tears of happiness.

When I got pregnant, just few days after, our lives started to put together as a puzzle. Everything seemed ideal. We thought we found our right way to do things, we seemed to have good plans for future and present.

What happened with those plans today, I do not know. There were too many changes to cope with. Suddenly everybody changed around us, especially the ones we trusted in Poland. On the other hand, people in Slovakia surprised and I am proud to have such friends and family. It’s not about quantity but quality.

My world has started to fall into pieces and every day has become a challenge. A challenge of “how we’re gonna survive this day”. While everything seems ruined, I want to keep my relationship sane because that’s indeed something that people literally envy us.

When I saw the baby moving I thought nothing else matters. So when my very good friend asked me today if that is something I am ready for, he couldn’t offend me and he would never wanted to anyway. I am definitely not ready as every mom for the first time but if my body accepted the child, it is ready, therefore I will be.

What I am not quite ready for are the bad times that occur more often than ever before but I know we will do just fine. Sometime in the future. Gotta go to sleep, I am losing the inspiration to write 🙂 Good night and thanks for reading.