Counting down the days…

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until I start studying again. In less than a month, my books will arrive and my educational process will re-start again after year break.

It seems like it has been at least 5 years since I was at school. But it’s really just a year and few months and I am laughing at all those people who were telling me “Go to university right after high school, otherwise you’re never gonna get back to studying” πŸ˜€

Haha. Yeah, maybe people who didn’t taste the life of earning their own money may never come back to school. However, I had worked during my high school and knew it wasn’t anything I would loved to do. Maybe if I was offered great job with perfect salary that I love I wouldn’t need to pursue higher education. But even though I have a good job (in eyes of others) I know this isn’t making me happy and it will bring no future to me.

So because I didn’t see any progress at work and it was/is impossible to get a good job in United Kingdom if you are foreign I agreed on having a baby and thought I’ll best combine it with studying.

So I chose Open University because a friend of mine recommended it to me and since then I can’t wait for it to start. I was a bit worried about money at first because we have invested a lot of money and now I am on part time but they have great financial support, especially for mothers. So I might end up paying nothing or just minimal fees.

I chose BA Business Studies (Honours) and in the future I want to progress in e-business. I have no idea where I will end up in the end, what country, so that seems like best options.

These are my initial plans that motivate me the most. So keep your fingers crossed for me. πŸ™‚

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Flush and bust

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Sometimes you’re flush and sometimes you’re bust, and when you’re up, it’s never as good as it seems, and when you’re down, you never think you’ll be up again. – Fred Jung, Blow

I realized that the times of greatest inspiration come only at times when I am greatly, greatly inspired or when I am greatly depressed. I decided also, that if there are days I do not have much to say I will pick up one of my favorite quotes and write why it is important to me and explain it somehow.

This one inspired me long time ago, when I was around 15 years old. My only inspiration was Johnny Depp and his difficult childhood and quotes that related to me, most of all unique films like Blow, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Dead Men etc. that were full of inspiring quotes.

The story of Blow comes to me many times since it is one of my most favorite movies and when I was 14 or 15 and saw it for the first time I decided to smuggle drugs πŸ˜€ Didn’t happen until this time πŸ˜€

Anyway, it is an important thing to realize that life is just one long, mostly annoying, rollercoaster. It’s hard to be on it but there is no way to escape. You can’t have it the way you imagine it, just how it is. And also, it’s important to realize that happiness and love are just choice away.

But when you’re really really down, it’s almost impossible to motivate yourself and believe that you will eventually be up again. Life just goes on so quickly. I never realized it until I become pregnant. Now I see what I will miss because of this strange miracle and also what I will gain. Life flows and the kid reminds me of it every day while my tiny belly becomes a ball. It seems like yesterday I went to Tesco to get tests because I felt it worked this time for sure. Now it’s 15 and half week and I’ll soon be in 5th month. That’s almost unbelievable πŸ™‚

When I am down, I try to think about the kid. I hope he/she will be an indie kiddo like I used to be πŸ™‚ I’d be really really proud πŸ™‚

First ultrasound

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On Wednesday, my life changed forever. The kid is there, has got 16,5 cm and it was the loveliest thing to see him/her moving his legs and arms. He/She is alive, it wasn’t just a positive pregnancy test, it was my first real confirmation and the one that made me burst into tears of happiness.

When I got pregnant, just few days after, our lives started to put together as a puzzle. Everything seemed ideal. We thought we found our right way to do things, we seemed to have good plans for future and present.

What happened with those plans today, I do not know. There were too many changes to cope with. Suddenly everybody changed around us, especially the ones we trusted in Poland. On the other hand, people in Slovakia surprised and I am proud to have such friends and family. It’s not about quantity but quality.

My world has started to fall into pieces and every day has become a challenge. A challenge of “how we’re gonna survive this day”. While everything seems ruined, I want to keep my relationship sane because that’s indeed something that people literally envy us.

When I saw the baby moving I thought nothing else matters. So when my very good friend asked me today if that is something I am ready for, he couldn’t offend me and he would never wanted to anyway. I am definitely not ready as every mom for the first time but if my body accepted the child, it is ready, therefore I will be.

What I am not quite ready for are the bad times that occur more often than ever before but I know we will do just fine. Sometime in the future. Gotta go to sleep, I am losing the inspiration to write πŸ™‚ Good night and thanks for reading.

Why do we crave to be understood?

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Recently, I have been inspired by Sofia and Mark who share their visions every Friday with a brilliant podcast “Conversations in search of an authentic life”.

This week, they have raised a question why we have the need to be understood. To be honest, it’s been a question that is on my mind for some time now. This is what I have replied to them:

I will start with a quote by Soren Kierkegaard β€œPeople understand me so poorly that they don’t even understand my complaint about them not understanding me.”

I do agree with you on most parts. I would only say that we *can* possibly understand, perceive and accept a person who has completely different values or opinions, it’s all just matter of how open minded we are. It is very unlikely, though, that we meet such people cuz we try to bond with those who have the same values and feel the understanding for us at first place. But I wouldn’t reject the possibility, I am sure there are people different than us with genuine understanding.

Why do we want to be understood? Very good question to think of. I would also say it’s kind of reassurance for us, like Sofia said, some sort of mirror that perfectly reflects what is inside of us and also what we think it’s not visible. And like Mark said, it’s even better if the reflection is not only how we feel it inside but even better version (if it’s genuine).

For me, there is other side – when I don’t want to be understood. When I feel that kind of person or group of people are simply not worth understanding me. Alas, more often than not, that is the case. It’s way easier to be understood when you’re fitting into numb-nut society caring about shallow things. Right? πŸ™‚ That’s why we have to go for innovative ways and blog, podcast so that we reach the right people.

Anyway, through your podcasts, I do feel understood, even though I sometimes “argue” during the podcasts πŸ˜€ So thank you for that and keep it up πŸ™‚

Being in a state I am, there are new things I discover about myself every day. And the funny thing is, that nobody ever understand these new observations unless they went through the same thing – pregnancy.

We’ve been recently in Norway to visit my partner’s friends who live there. They got married just few weeks ago. We were joined by another couple from Poland who are also friends of my fiancee. I always liked his friends until that time. I thought they were very young and crazy but the truth is they have all changed after their marriages. They are very traditional (women separated, men separated all talking about their own bullshit) and very very close minded.

I had the worst week of my life over there. Feeling of being rejected and misunderstood, plus separated from the world that knows me. In their company I felt like an alien, like somebody else. They do speak in a different language but I speak the language fluently. The problem was that none of them went through pregnancy related emotions and situations and they doubted my partner’s happiness.

It’s hard to explain what exactly happened there but I realized that through our life we meet a lot of people. And we tend to discard the ones we don’t really like and bond with those who suits us because they maybe understand us in a great or small way. What I want to say is that I never had to meet with people who I didn’t like because they were either dumb or shallow and now I don’t have a choice. I can’t separate long term friends.

Truth. You know what’s so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is however long they’ve lived without it. No one forgets the truth, they just get better at lying… So in the end, their judgments to us separated them from a person they liked. And I won’t have to push a pram with boring ladies talking about nonsense.

Anyway, there are moments when I crave to be understood more. By myself and the others. But I do have friends and soulmates who will always provide me the genuine feeling.