Choosing a degree

Leave a comment

Today I got a call from my university, probably from my tutor who welcomed me at the university in personal. Since I have been abroad, she just explained me that my welcoming email will come soon into my student mailbox.

Being a university student must be a drudgery but I believe it will be very rewarding, especially because of the way Open University is structured. It is opened to everybody who is willing to put the real effort.

I chose studying business because a friend of mine said once “if you don’t know what to choose, go for business”. Well I knew what to choose. But because I’ve always been a multitasker I enjoy philosophy, psychology, political studies, languages, computing, international studies, arts, humanities etc.

But I figured out that I speak fluently 4 languages so why would I study them or some other. I can learn as I go, just how I learned Slovak and Czech and then English and Polish.

I love philosophy but I can always read a book and get the knowledge during winter evenings and psychology is something I have observed because that’s what my mother does for a living. I used to be a leader of youth parliament learning about the way political agendas are working and I guess that’s what is enough for me – some kind of general knowledge.

Business is widest subject containing management, marketing, accounting and human resource management and many other things. It’s unlikely that you take a book of accounting and learn how to count profits during winter evenings. I also was very good at school in all of these and the first time I heard MBA abbreviation – I wanted to acquire that. It’s something untouchable but I learned through life that at some point some things seem so distant and impossible, yet by putting effort or simply by taking time – we reach that.

Having an honours degree in business administration or later MBA will give me the freedom to be wherever I want to be, to be flexible and because we deal with business every day – to make a good living. All this and more will give me the space to flourish when I am off work – to read some book by philosopher, to write and to explore whatever I need to explore to become more creative and fulfilled.

So wish me luck on my journey because I simply enjoy it every day, not just thinking about the MBA but the actual process it has. I don’t want to skip anything, it’s gonna be great.

So are you still into shooting?

Leave a comment

That’s a question one of my friends asked me. People from my creative background remember well how much I wanted to record videos, music videos and just observe the world through lenses.

I even bought myself a decent camcorder in 2006 and nice mac but eventually that wasn’t really enough. I spent hours putting things together, waiting 12 hours until the stuff loaded into my computer, had bought better cables until I lost the fight with technology and also with my capabilities as director.

Camera has been barely used and it’s still at home under my bed waiting for me…I guess to sell it eventually. I only resist to sell it because of the little cassettes that contain tangible memories of that time. Once in a year when I find them, I go through it, smile and cry and I love the content because it’s personal.

So when the friend raised a question whether I am still trying to progress I felt guilty at first. As everybody who regret not doing something I tried to find excuses: “Well, I don’t have a good equipment”, “my mac has broken down” until I realized few seconds after this that it is not about the equipment, it’s about the missing inspiration.

And I confessed it right after that it wasn’t about that. It was just because one day I stopped trying and it died out. That’s how I approached writing blogs or speaking in sophisticated English. It all died out without trying.

People used to tell me what a good writer I was. I never believed them cuz for me it’s hard to judge. I don’t question what I write or the way I write and my English worsened a lot even though I live in UK and work there. But once you stop using the language and just mumble the shit everyone else does – you’re at basic level again

So eventually, there might be a time when I get back to shooting. Or maybe just directing, writing scripts. Who knows. As that old Slovak-American professor said in the bus “Once you got talent, you don’t need to go to school. It’s there”. So let’s see. We all have a huge potential in us and we should pursue it.

It was the call of all those fortuities

Leave a comment

that gave me the courage and positive insight for all the days to come. And I am going to write about few things that have happened in my homeland while I am here. I am afraid that once I am back in UK this will be just a nice memory and I want to express my feelings now they’re fresh.

Being at home this time was like no other time before. I could have seized more time but everything has had its place and time. I can’t believe I almost gave up and didn’t want to travel to Slovakia. Oh how much I would never gain.

First I had the best weekend with my best friends Lubka and Gulia and her little son Daniel. Amazing feeling to hook up again, surrounded by peaceful child that never cries and his smiles make your day. This time I wasn’t depressed by what I have seen like last time cuz I know Gulia and her family is doing way better now. Lubka is the one that has changed the least and I love to be around her and observe the life that she has.

Then I spent good amount of time with my mother. I would never say I will enjoy that but the truth is, one long conversation was enough and as day went by I didn’t not needed to hear or say more.

I went to school, spoke to Janko an inspirational mentor and teacher of economics who seemed so proud of me and I love him for that. I wish we had more time. I had a coffee with my class teacher, person that I feel so close to since we finished school. She has been amazing to us, especially to me.

Among all these things I met some of the most important people in my life who made me feel alive again. Lubka said today that during the weekend she noticed that I was bit negative about things and she felt it was because of some burden I carried. Tonight, I am so freed from all the burdens and I will fight with smile if something wants to get me out of control again. I don’t want to feel like before, I want to be exactly who I am now, a person I have always been proud of.

It is indeed true that if you think positively, positive things will happen to you. Tonight I met an old guy around 70 in bus. He was very strange until he told me he used to be a sociology professor and lived in Chicago for years. He invited me for a coffee and I actually regret that I refused. The small talk we had was amazing and he seemed something like that would help us both. Nice to see an elegant old man around here, too. Another person and situation that made me shake my head how unbelievable life is and how beautiful it is. It made me smile again even though I am practically smiling all the time 🙂

It’s been an amazing journey and I am gonna see my brother tomorrow after a year and his girlfriend and I am pretty damn sure that is gonna be inspirational too. I really loved being here this time and I *can’t* wait until me and my little one will come over to see all those people again. Exceptional stay, really. I love coming home.

I see colors again

Leave a comment

Funniest thing is, that exactly in this month last year, I was quite active writer on my old blog. It is also very interesting, that in three posts one after another, I write about expectations. And I’d like to re-post them, just to show you the different, yet still the same perspective I have after a year.

Long time ago I was taught that to have any kind of expectation is wrong. It’s hard to live up to somebody’s expectations. Especially in love. Love is about accepting someone for who they are…without expectations. I used to be a person whose imagination created expectations which would be impossible for any man to meet. I was a dreamer.

But when I learned the principles of love long time ago, I was freed from expectations. It’s not that you lose your vision of how something “should” be. It’s that you are open to possibilities and you do not put any pressure on certain people/things.

I am now undergoing an online study by MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology). A place where I always wanted to study because great Noam Chomsky is teaching there. First I chose economy but failing to understand higher levels of Math, I chose Philosophy&Linguistics and I am about to choose one more area of studies.

Because of these various lectures I am back to finding myself, acquiring the strength of Bliss in me and trying to do something with all the potential that still is inside of me.

I just wanted to write simple thing, actually. That expectations have good side. In a lecture provided by MIT I read that “Studies suggest that if a math teacher believes that the girls in his class cannot do math as well as the boys, this seems have the effect that the girls do worse. PEOPLE TEND TO FULFILL THE EXPECTATIONS THAT OTHERS HAVE OF THEM.”

That would eventually explain few things in my life right now. To a certain period I had lived an ordinary life until somebody came a started to believe in me. Support was 24/7 and it had an additional effect that I was fulfilling the invisible expectations to become more and more satisfied with myself and also satisfy people who supported me along the way. From one day to another those people almost weren’t possible to count. So I continued to lead a successful life.

It’s nonetheless true that I was a teenager. Things back then were so easy to do. The best thing of all was that I didn’t necessarily *needed* to do any of these things; I simply *wanted* to.

Life has changed since then. So many people who believed in me and supported me are slowly making step after step away from me. Together with them I make those backwards steps with a thought that there should be only one person now who stands by my side and fully supports me.

Indeed, I have this person. Yet there isn’t always the exact support I would expect and most of all, there are many things I simply have to do without a choice. It highly demotivates me but still I am trying to get back to my old ways.

I wish somebody still expected great things from me and bet on me as the only person who is worth to bet on in this world. It has always been a pleasant feeling, now a memory.

Stolen moments of bliss

They are what I crave for the most. In my life, I have reached many things. And my journey has only begun. But something has been missing. Friendship without expectations, sharing love, ideas. Listening, laughing and even shedding tears… getting touched by art…

For one tiny moment, I’d love to feel all of that again. I will never let it go from my memory. Cuz until I remember it, it is all real.

And last one:

I don’t even know how to start. It’s not gonna be meaningful. My life is no more meaningful. I am struggling. And nobody is trying to help.

It seems everybody know what I should be doing. And when someone says “you should” I am doing the opposite. I am seriously brokenhearted by this life. How could I possibly try to “stand tall” when everytime I fall and try to get up even a best friend comes and tell me to take a seat.

I can’t help myself thinking that people try to push me to certain decisions. It’s not the expectations of greatness like it used to be…it’s just the “should do” attitude without motivating me somehow.

I am just so ashamed of what I have become. All the magic is gone and I can’t escape it. I can’t believe in myself anymore – I have no reasons. Past is gone and the memories are only painful now. Memories of person that once did something. Even though it was just a beginning of seizing my full potential.

The closest persons on Earth seems the most distant. I feel alone, inconsistent and childish… and as I always knew, it was only our decision of how we feel, how what attitude we have…

I just want to scream it out of me…cry it out and hope that tomorrow a NEW SUN WILL COME UP. But it just doesn’t.

There isn’t a single person now who I could do this all for. So I stay where I am. It’s not worth for me to even try…


I got everything now. In that bleak end of October 2009 I hid something so valuable in myself and it was pounding on my soul for all those months. Being in Slovakia again and having really moments of thinking and sharing words – it is awakened. And my no means I will ever try to hide it again. Today I woke up and feel I see the colors again. It’s such lightness of my human being that it is indeed almost unbearable in most positive way. I know exactly what was missing and it was only my fault that I let it go. I’ve had the support, yet I rejected it. But whatever happens now, I will always be sure I am Bliss in my core. I understand myself so well know, all that I had felt in the past, the frustrations caused by too many expectations. I forgot to dream and take little things in life as most positive ones. I can’t stop smiling. 🙂

My relationship

Leave a comment

I turned on a podcast today just to turn it off after two or three minutes. After a long, long time my inner conversation in English emerged. I used to talk to myself in English when I was slightly younger – 1. because I wanted to progress in English 2. to gain trust while verbally talking in English 3. to learn to express my ideas effectively. All this and more helped me to achieve my dreams, to talk and to gain the status quo in my town of little know-it-all in English.

So today, I imagined the conversation again. I feel my posts reflect my relationship with my loving one in different ways, not so always positive. While I do not know whether he would agree that I feel like talking about this openly to the world – I am going to do it. He is the one who has been encouraging me to go back to writing even though he read only few posts. The reason for this I can only guess, is that he didn’t understand what he was reading and was scared of the content. Anyway, I would like to sort of rewrite my little inner conversation to a blog post even though it might be personal. But then being personal means we let ourselves be open to each other, we are exposing ourselves in little hope we would be understood and it also means we are unique in what we are saying.

I don’t know whether you would argue with me or not (you can leave a comment about that) but I do think the position of a woman in relationship is far more difficult than the position of a man. Woman loves man for exactly who he is. At the beginning, he is perfect in all he is and does and as he gets older, his imperfections become even more perfect to a woman. She might moan about him leaving dirty socks everywhere (not my case :D) or similar example but she takes it as it is and in fact, she probably wouldn’t want to change it.

Woman in relationship is different story. First, there is initial spark, love at first sight from man. If he was in relationship just before being with this one – she represents everything that the previous one didn’t have. It’s like miracle that he has found (this is similar with women getting into new relationships). The woman at that point cares about herself, even in shared household as never before. Always perfectly shaved/make up whatever. There is no way she would pee/poo/fart 😀 in front of him. As the two go through more difficult things, these details get normal. We’re human after all.

After that initial spark, first couple of months spent together in the same household, they know more or less what piss them about each other but they do not say it yet. A man converts his perfect woman into a woman in a household and has certain expectations. These expectations are usually based on his mother, on the environment he grew up in. These expectations are also usually and easily met by a woman if only she came from the similar environment.

After a good amount of time her imperfections also start to piss him off but who knows, maybe he also doesn’t want her to be somebody else. Then as he starts to think about children he looks at her as the mother of his children.

In a lucky relationship, he can find a balance in his mind – to realize his woman is his perfect lover, perfect friend, great companion, perfect housewife and mother. I do have the lucky relationship even though we both struggle with our perceptions of “perfect or great”. Nonetheless, our only problem is when our different environments are in conflict. I grew up in *completely* different family than he did. For me, it’s hard to get accustomed to few things but I am trying as long as it makes sense and it is not part of social pressure.

Our other problem is my moaning. He believes I moan about anything and everything and in fact, he is right. In my eyes, it is the way I express myself. I never shut up. I had problems in primary school, on athletic trainings and competitions, at high school and parliament. But my problems turned to be my best friends and people loved it. In time, everybody realized that if I say something, it makes sense and it is actually worthwhile to listen. I gained a lot of leadership positions because I just never shut up. I think to moan about something means that you do not get satisfied with what world is offering you but constantly asking for more. I do know that as I am pregnant, I become difficult and I am exaggerating in most cases. The difference between me and my loving one is that he simply takes everything as it is and loves it that way. He does not complain or moan. I wish I could do that sometimes but then again – we make a perfect balance.

I love him the way he is and even though he is my prior family know, the father of my only child, I sometimes get mad at him beyond understanding and wish to leave. But as I write now, having in mind we didn’t have any argument for last few days, I am happy where I am and with who I am. Most of all, since the beginning, he has been the only person I would want to have children with, the only person I would appoint as my father if I could.

So that was my inner conversation mainly about and I am glad I could share it with the world, even though the world does not see it much 🙂 Thanks for reading 🙂

Counting down the days…

Leave a comment

until I start studying again. In less than a month, my books will arrive and my educational process will re-start again after year break.

It seems like it has been at least 5 years since I was at school. But it’s really just a year and few months and I am laughing at all those people who were telling me “Go to university right after high school, otherwise you’re never gonna get back to studying” 😀

Haha. Yeah, maybe people who didn’t taste the life of earning their own money may never come back to school. However, I had worked during my high school and knew it wasn’t anything I would loved to do. Maybe if I was offered great job with perfect salary that I love I wouldn’t need to pursue higher education. But even though I have a good job (in eyes of others) I know this isn’t making me happy and it will bring no future to me.

So because I didn’t see any progress at work and it was/is impossible to get a good job in United Kingdom if you are foreign I agreed on having a baby and thought I’ll best combine it with studying.

So I chose Open University because a friend of mine recommended it to me and since then I can’t wait for it to start. I was a bit worried about money at first because we have invested a lot of money and now I am on part time but they have great financial support, especially for mothers. So I might end up paying nothing or just minimal fees.

I chose BA Business Studies (Honours) and in the future I want to progress in e-business. I have no idea where I will end up in the end, what country, so that seems like best options.

These are my initial plans that motivate me the most. So keep your fingers crossed for me. 🙂

Flush and bust

Leave a comment

Sometimes you’re flush and sometimes you’re bust, and when you’re up, it’s never as good as it seems, and when you’re down, you never think you’ll be up again. – Fred Jung, Blow

I realized that the times of greatest inspiration come only at times when I am greatly, greatly inspired or when I am greatly depressed. I decided also, that if there are days I do not have much to say I will pick up one of my favorite quotes and write why it is important to me and explain it somehow.

This one inspired me long time ago, when I was around 15 years old. My only inspiration was Johnny Depp and his difficult childhood and quotes that related to me, most of all unique films like Blow, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Dead Men etc. that were full of inspiring quotes.

The story of Blow comes to me many times since it is one of my most favorite movies and when I was 14 or 15 and saw it for the first time I decided to smuggle drugs 😀 Didn’t happen until this time 😀

Anyway, it is an important thing to realize that life is just one long, mostly annoying, rollercoaster. It’s hard to be on it but there is no way to escape. You can’t have it the way you imagine it, just how it is. And also, it’s important to realize that happiness and love are just choice away.

But when you’re really really down, it’s almost impossible to motivate yourself and believe that you will eventually be up again. Life just goes on so quickly. I never realized it until I become pregnant. Now I see what I will miss because of this strange miracle and also what I will gain. Life flows and the kid reminds me of it every day while my tiny belly becomes a ball. It seems like yesterday I went to Tesco to get tests because I felt it worked this time for sure. Now it’s 15 and half week and I’ll soon be in 5th month. That’s almost unbelievable 🙂

When I am down, I try to think about the kid. I hope he/she will be an indie kiddo like I used to be 🙂 I’d be really really proud 🙂

First ultrasound

Leave a comment

On Wednesday, my life changed forever. The kid is there, has got 16,5 cm and it was the loveliest thing to see him/her moving his legs and arms. He/She is alive, it wasn’t just a positive pregnancy test, it was my first real confirmation and the one that made me burst into tears of happiness.

When I got pregnant, just few days after, our lives started to put together as a puzzle. Everything seemed ideal. We thought we found our right way to do things, we seemed to have good plans for future and present.

What happened with those plans today, I do not know. There were too many changes to cope with. Suddenly everybody changed around us, especially the ones we trusted in Poland. On the other hand, people in Slovakia surprised and I am proud to have such friends and family. It’s not about quantity but quality.

My world has started to fall into pieces and every day has become a challenge. A challenge of “how we’re gonna survive this day”. While everything seems ruined, I want to keep my relationship sane because that’s indeed something that people literally envy us.

When I saw the baby moving I thought nothing else matters. So when my very good friend asked me today if that is something I am ready for, he couldn’t offend me and he would never wanted to anyway. I am definitely not ready as every mom for the first time but if my body accepted the child, it is ready, therefore I will be.

What I am not quite ready for are the bad times that occur more often than ever before but I know we will do just fine. Sometime in the future. Gotta go to sleep, I am losing the inspiration to write 🙂 Good night and thanks for reading.

My little HOWL

Leave a comment

This is what best explains my current relationship and situation. I love to be understood by a song 🙂 This time: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and HOWL.

You try so hard to be cold
You try so hard to not show
I give you nothing to doubt and you doubt me
I give you all that I have but you don’t see

Now I know that my eyes must close here
Every word seems to feel like you don’t care
But I know that you’re so confused and afraid
I just want to be one true thing that don’t fade
I don’t wanna give up tomorrow
I just can’t understand why we’re going on

You try so hard to be heard
You try so hard to not hurt
I give you nothing to doubt, and you doubt me
I give you all that I have, but you don’t see

Now I know that my eyes must close here
Every word seems to feel like you don’t care
But I know that you’re so confused and afraid
I just want to be one true thing that don’t fade
I don’t wanna give up tomorrow
I just can’t understand why we’re going on

I don’t wanna be sad, I don’t wanna be sad
I don’t wanna be scared, I don’t wanna be scared
I don’t wanna decide, I don’t wanna decide
I see the road is hard, I see the road is hard
I won’t wait for you in silence, I won’t wait for you in silence
I won’t wait for you in silence, I won’t wait for you in silence

Living Lies

Leave a comment

“Living life, fulfilling it by buying lies. ” – Bliss

It occured to me after difficult emotional weekend that people live their lives by buying lies. They try to fool their reality into something that it is not just because they are afraid of the dark aspects of life.

I don’t think I had slept tonight and I decided on one thing. To survive, you’ve got to think about life as you were at school. You don’t agree with most things they teach you but you’ve got to obey their rules so once you’re out of it, you will play by your own.

But how could you get out of your false life? Well, as far as me, I will escape by writing blog posts, seeking authenticity and talking to soulmates. I know that it is the way I am supposed to live my real life but there isn’t a way for me to be me right now. There is too much misunderstanding that is just not worth the pain.

Unfortunately, we people really show the most of us to people who mean least to us. Just because we seek the understanding. And when it doesn’t come, it’s time to be an actor or actress. My schoolmates said upon leaving school that once I will take an Oscar. Well I do think I will for the lifelong role of happy wife with kids, pushing pram among shallow people, laughing at their pointless jokes and watching their stupid films or soap operas.

I do realize, as I write, that it is completely wrong. But I guess it will be a life of a spy. Pretending I am one of them while laughing at their reality on my blog. That’s the only way I figured out so far and it might change on Wednesday or later in my life.

I never wanted to give in, I thought I could be me. I silenced myself on my old blog which was a clear sign that something is wrong with me. I tried to explain it to my loving one that I don’t want to wake up in 5 years and realize it’s not me. For two and half years I tried to be me as much as possible and I think I was doing just great. Until I really got to a point when in my life, there were only shallow people and I fought with them. That is when everybody turned their backs to me, including the one I love/d.

Nowadays, I know nobody around me understand me. And just as I said in my last blog, I will not allow them to understand me because they are not worth it. It’s too many of them and I look like a fool just because I seek authentic life not routine or lies.

I didn’t want to go along and quietly accept it no matter what I felt  because ultimately I would internalize with what I was saying. That’s why I need to be fully aware of the spy game and keep myself sane among my true friends and my blog where I hope to find similar people in the future.

The rules are simple. Basically never say what you truly think, smile like you’ve just smoked pot and pretend to live the lies they love. Maybe they will eventually teach me something through my own observations.

Still you might ask what’s the point to go against my own beliefs? Well simply cuz I do have the courage to do it, compared to them, they would never even dared to try going the less travelled way.

“Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

If it doesn’t work  I hope I will have enough courage to be myself and leave. Because even the fear of death is nothing compared to the fear of not having lived authentically and fully. And if I can’t do it this “game way”, then I need to really do it.

Unfortunately, life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. So I am moving on. May I *live* all days of my life from now.

Older Entries