I see colors again

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Funniest thing is, that exactly in this month last year, I was quite active writer on my old blog. It is also very interesting, that in three posts one after another, I write about expectations. And I’d like to re-post them, just to show you the different, yet still the same perspective I have after a year.

Long time ago I was taught that to have any kind of expectation is wrong. It’s hard to live up to somebody’s expectations. Especially in love. Love is about accepting someone for who they are…without expectations. I used to be a person whose imagination created expectations which would be impossible for any man to meet. I was a dreamer.

But when I learned the principles of love long time ago, I was freed from expectations. It’s not that you lose your vision of how something “should” be. It’s that you are open to possibilities and you do not put any pressure on certain people/things.

I am now undergoing an online study by MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology). A place where I always wanted to study because great Noam Chomsky is teaching there. First I chose economy but failing to understand higher levels of Math, I chose Philosophy&Linguistics and I am about to choose one more area of studies.

Because of these various lectures I am back to finding myself, acquiring the strength of Bliss in me and trying to do something with all the potential that still is inside of me.

I just wanted to write simple thing, actually. That expectations have good side. In a lecture provided by MIT I read that “Studies suggest that if a math teacher believes that the girls in his class cannot do math as well as the boys, this seems have the effect that the girls do worse. PEOPLE TEND TO FULFILL THE EXPECTATIONS THAT OTHERS HAVE OF THEM.”

That would eventually explain few things in my life right now. To a certain period I had lived an ordinary life until somebody came a started to believe in me. Support was 24/7 and it had an additional effect that I was fulfilling the invisible expectations to become more and more satisfied with myself and also satisfy people who supported me along the way. From one day to another those people almost weren’t possible to count. So I continued to lead a successful life.

It’s nonetheless true that I was a teenager. Things back then were so easy to do. The best thing of all was that I didn’t necessarily *needed* to do any of these things; I simply *wanted* to.

Life has changed since then. So many people who believed in me and supported me are slowly making step after step away from me. Together with them I make those backwards steps with a thought that there should be only one person now who stands by my side and fully supports me.

Indeed, I have this person. Yet there isn’t always the exact support I would expect and most of all, there are many things I simply have to do without a choice. It highly demotivates me but still I am trying to get back to my old ways.

I wish somebody still expected great things from me and bet on me as the only person who is worth to bet on in this world. It has always been a pleasant feeling, now a memory.

Stolen moments of bliss

They are what I crave for the most. In my life, I have reached many things. And my journey has only begun. But something has been missing. Friendship without expectations, sharing love, ideas. Listening, laughing and even shedding tears… getting touched by art…

For one tiny moment, I’d love to feel all of that again. I will never let it go from my memory. Cuz until I remember it, it is all real.

And last one:

I don’t even know how to start. It’s not gonna be meaningful. My life is no more meaningful. I am struggling. And nobody is trying to help.

It seems everybody know what I should be doing. And when someone says “you should” I am doing the opposite. I am seriously brokenhearted by this life. How could I possibly try to “stand tall” when everytime I fall and try to get up even a best friend comes and tell me to take a seat.

I can’t help myself thinking that people try to push me to certain decisions. It’s not the expectations of greatness like it used to be…it’s just the “should do” attitude without motivating me somehow.

I am just so ashamed of what I have become. All the magic is gone and I can’t escape it. I can’t believe in myself anymore – I have no reasons. Past is gone and the memories are only painful now. Memories of person that once did something. Even though it was just a beginning of seizing my full potential.

The closest persons on Earth seems the most distant. I feel alone, inconsistent and childish… and as I always knew, it was only our decision of how we feel, how what attitude we have…

I just want to scream it out of me…cry it out and hope that tomorrow a NEW SUN WILL COME UP. But it just doesn’t.

There isn’t a single person now who I could do this all for. So I stay where I am. It’s not worth for me to even try…

 

I got everything now. In that bleak end of October 2009 I hid something so valuable in myself and it was pounding on my soul for all those months. Being in Slovakia again and having really moments of thinking and sharing words – it is awakened. And my no means I will ever try to hide it again. Today I woke up and feel I see the colors again. It’s such lightness of my human being that it is indeed almost unbearable in most positive way. I know exactly what was missing and it was only my fault that I let it go. I’ve had the support, yet I rejected it. But whatever happens now, I will always be sure I am Bliss in my core. I understand myself so well know, all that I had felt in the past, the frustrations caused by too many expectations. I forgot to dream and take little things in life as most positive ones. I can’t stop smiling. 🙂

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My relationship

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I turned on a podcast today just to turn it off after two or three minutes. After a long, long time my inner conversation in English emerged. I used to talk to myself in English when I was slightly younger – 1. because I wanted to progress in English 2. to gain trust while verbally talking in English 3. to learn to express my ideas effectively. All this and more helped me to achieve my dreams, to talk and to gain the status quo in my town of little know-it-all in English.

So today, I imagined the conversation again. I feel my posts reflect my relationship with my loving one in different ways, not so always positive. While I do not know whether he would agree that I feel like talking about this openly to the world – I am going to do it. He is the one who has been encouraging me to go back to writing even though he read only few posts. The reason for this I can only guess, is that he didn’t understand what he was reading and was scared of the content. Anyway, I would like to sort of rewrite my little inner conversation to a blog post even though it might be personal. But then being personal means we let ourselves be open to each other, we are exposing ourselves in little hope we would be understood and it also means we are unique in what we are saying.

I don’t know whether you would argue with me or not (you can leave a comment about that) but I do think the position of a woman in relationship is far more difficult than the position of a man. Woman loves man for exactly who he is. At the beginning, he is perfect in all he is and does and as he gets older, his imperfections become even more perfect to a woman. She might moan about him leaving dirty socks everywhere (not my case :D) or similar example but she takes it as it is and in fact, she probably wouldn’t want to change it.

Woman in relationship is different story. First, there is initial spark, love at first sight from man. If he was in relationship just before being with this one – she represents everything that the previous one didn’t have. It’s like miracle that he has found (this is similar with women getting into new relationships). The woman at that point cares about herself, even in shared household as never before. Always perfectly shaved/make up whatever. There is no way she would pee/poo/fart 😀 in front of him. As the two go through more difficult things, these details get normal. We’re human after all.

After that initial spark, first couple of months spent together in the same household, they know more or less what piss them about each other but they do not say it yet. A man converts his perfect woman into a woman in a household and has certain expectations. These expectations are usually based on his mother, on the environment he grew up in. These expectations are also usually and easily met by a woman if only she came from the similar environment.

After a good amount of time her imperfections also start to piss him off but who knows, maybe he also doesn’t want her to be somebody else. Then as he starts to think about children he looks at her as the mother of his children.

In a lucky relationship, he can find a balance in his mind – to realize his woman is his perfect lover, perfect friend, great companion, perfect housewife and mother. I do have the lucky relationship even though we both struggle with our perceptions of “perfect or great”. Nonetheless, our only problem is when our different environments are in conflict. I grew up in *completely* different family than he did. For me, it’s hard to get accustomed to few things but I am trying as long as it makes sense and it is not part of social pressure.

Our other problem is my moaning. He believes I moan about anything and everything and in fact, he is right. In my eyes, it is the way I express myself. I never shut up. I had problems in primary school, on athletic trainings and competitions, at high school and parliament. But my problems turned to be my best friends and people loved it. In time, everybody realized that if I say something, it makes sense and it is actually worthwhile to listen. I gained a lot of leadership positions because I just never shut up. I think to moan about something means that you do not get satisfied with what world is offering you but constantly asking for more. I do know that as I am pregnant, I become difficult and I am exaggerating in most cases. The difference between me and my loving one is that he simply takes everything as it is and loves it that way. He does not complain or moan. I wish I could do that sometimes but then again – we make a perfect balance.

I love him the way he is and even though he is my prior family know, the father of my only child, I sometimes get mad at him beyond understanding and wish to leave. But as I write now, having in mind we didn’t have any argument for last few days, I am happy where I am and with who I am. Most of all, since the beginning, he has been the only person I would want to have children with, the only person I would appoint as my father if I could.

So that was my inner conversation mainly about and I am glad I could share it with the world, even though the world does not see it much 🙂 Thanks for reading 🙂