“Living life, fulfilling it by buying lies. ” – Bliss

It occured to me after difficult emotional weekend that people live their lives by buying lies. They try to fool their reality into something that it is not just because they are afraid of the dark aspects of life.

I don’t think I had slept tonight and I decided on one thing. To survive, you’ve got to think about life as you were at school. You don’t agree with most things they teach you but you’ve got to obey their rules so once you’re out of it, you will play by your own.

But how could you get out of your false life? Well, as far as me, I will escape by writing blog posts, seeking authenticity and talking to soulmates. I know that it is the way I am supposed to live my real life but there isn’t a way for me to be me right now. There is too much misunderstanding that is just not worth the pain.

Unfortunately, we people really show the most of us to people who mean least to us. Just because we seek the understanding. And when it doesn’t come, it’s time to be an actor or actress. My schoolmates said upon leaving school that once I will take an Oscar. Well I do think I will for the lifelong role of happy wife with kids, pushing pram among shallow people, laughing at their pointless jokes and watching their stupid films or soap operas.

I do realize, as I write, that it is completely wrong. But I guess it will be a life of a spy. Pretending I am one of them while laughing at their reality on my blog. That’s the only way I figured out so far and it might change on Wednesday or later in my life.

I never wanted to give in, I thought I could be me. I silenced myself on my old blog which was a clear sign that something is wrong with me. I tried to explain it to my loving one that I don’t want to wake up in 5 years and realize it’s not me. For two and half years I tried to be me as much as possible and I think I was doing just great. Until I really got to a point when in my life, there were only shallow people and I fought with them. That is when everybody turned their backs to me, including the one I love/d.

Nowadays, I know nobody around me understand me. And just as I said in my last blog, I will not allow them to understand me because they are not worth it. It’s too many of them and I look like a fool just because I seek authentic life not routine or lies.

I didn’t want to go along and quietly accept it no matter what I felt ¬†because ultimately I would internalize with what I was saying. That’s why I need to be fully aware of the spy game and keep myself sane among my true friends and my blog where I hope to find similar people in the future.

The rules are simple. Basically never say what you truly think, smile like you’ve just smoked pot and pretend to live the lies they love. Maybe they will eventually teach me something through my own observations.

Still you might ask what’s the point to go against my own beliefs? Well simply cuz I do have the courage to do it, compared to them, they would never even dared to try going the less travelled way.

“Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

If it doesn’t work ¬†I hope I will have enough courage to be myself and leave. Because even the fear of death is nothing compared to the fear of not having lived authentically and fully. And if I can’t do it this “game way”, then I need to really do it.

Unfortunately, life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. So I am moving on. May I *live* all days of my life from now.