First ultrasound

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On Wednesday, my life changed forever. The kid is there, has got 16,5 cm and it was the loveliest thing to see him/her moving his legs and arms. He/She is alive, it wasn’t just a positive pregnancy test, it was my first real confirmation and the one that made me burst into tears of happiness.

When I got pregnant, just few days after, our lives started to put together as a puzzle. Everything seemed ideal. We thought we found our right way to do things, we seemed to have good plans for future and present.

What happened with those plans today, I do not know. There were too many changes to cope with. Suddenly everybody changed around us, especially the ones we trusted in Poland. On the other hand, people in Slovakia surprised and I am proud to have such friends and family. It’s not about quantity but quality.

My world has started to fall into pieces and every day has become a challenge. A challenge of “how we’re gonna survive this day”. While everything seems ruined, I want to keep my relationship sane because that’s indeed something that people literally envy us.

When I saw the baby moving I thought nothing else matters. So when my very good friend asked me today if that is something I am ready for, he couldn’t offend me and he would never wanted to anyway. I am definitely not ready as every mom for the first time but if my body accepted the child, it is ready, therefore I will be.

What I am not quite ready for are the bad times that occur more often than ever before but I know we will do just fine. Sometime in the future. Gotta go to sleep, I am losing the inspiration to write 🙂 Good night and thanks for reading.

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My little HOWL

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This is what best explains my current relationship and situation. I love to be understood by a song 🙂 This time: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and HOWL.

You try so hard to be cold
You try so hard to not show
I give you nothing to doubt and you doubt me
I give you all that I have but you don’t see

Now I know that my eyes must close here
Every word seems to feel like you don’t care
But I know that you’re so confused and afraid
I just want to be one true thing that don’t fade
I don’t wanna give up tomorrow
I just can’t understand why we’re going on

You try so hard to be heard
You try so hard to not hurt
I give you nothing to doubt, and you doubt me
I give you all that I have, but you don’t see

Now I know that my eyes must close here
Every word seems to feel like you don’t care
But I know that you’re so confused and afraid
I just want to be one true thing that don’t fade
I don’t wanna give up tomorrow
I just can’t understand why we’re going on

I don’t wanna be sad, I don’t wanna be sad
I don’t wanna be scared, I don’t wanna be scared
I don’t wanna decide, I don’t wanna decide
I see the road is hard, I see the road is hard
I won’t wait for you in silence, I won’t wait for you in silence
I won’t wait for you in silence, I won’t wait for you in silence

Living Lies

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“Living life, fulfilling it by buying lies. ” – Bliss

It occured to me after difficult emotional weekend that people live their lives by buying lies. They try to fool their reality into something that it is not just because they are afraid of the dark aspects of life.

I don’t think I had slept tonight and I decided on one thing. To survive, you’ve got to think about life as you were at school. You don’t agree with most things they teach you but you’ve got to obey their rules so once you’re out of it, you will play by your own.

But how could you get out of your false life? Well, as far as me, I will escape by writing blog posts, seeking authenticity and talking to soulmates. I know that it is the way I am supposed to live my real life but there isn’t a way for me to be me right now. There is too much misunderstanding that is just not worth the pain.

Unfortunately, we people really show the most of us to people who mean least to us. Just because we seek the understanding. And when it doesn’t come, it’s time to be an actor or actress. My schoolmates said upon leaving school that once I will take an Oscar. Well I do think I will for the lifelong role of happy wife with kids, pushing pram among shallow people, laughing at their pointless jokes and watching their stupid films or soap operas.

I do realize, as I write, that it is completely wrong. But I guess it will be a life of a spy. Pretending I am one of them while laughing at their reality on my blog. That’s the only way I figured out so far and it might change on Wednesday or later in my life.

I never wanted to give in, I thought I could be me. I silenced myself on my old blog which was a clear sign that something is wrong with me. I tried to explain it to my loving one that I don’t want to wake up in 5 years and realize it’s not me. For two and half years I tried to be me as much as possible and I think I was doing just great. Until I really got to a point when in my life, there were only shallow people and I fought with them. That is when everybody turned their backs to me, including the one I love/d.

Nowadays, I know nobody around me understand me. And just as I said in my last blog, I will not allow them to understand me because they are not worth it. It’s too many of them and I look like a fool just because I seek authentic life not routine or lies.

I didn’t want to go along and quietly accept it no matter what I felt  because ultimately I would internalize with what I was saying. That’s why I need to be fully aware of the spy game and keep myself sane among my true friends and my blog where I hope to find similar people in the future.

The rules are simple. Basically never say what you truly think, smile like you’ve just smoked pot and pretend to live the lies they love. Maybe they will eventually teach me something through my own observations.

Still you might ask what’s the point to go against my own beliefs? Well simply cuz I do have the courage to do it, compared to them, they would never even dared to try going the less travelled way.

“Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

If it doesn’t work  I hope I will have enough courage to be myself and leave. Because even the fear of death is nothing compared to the fear of not having lived authentically and fully. And if I can’t do it this “game way”, then I need to really do it.

Unfortunately, life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. So I am moving on. May I *live* all days of my life from now.

Why do we crave to be understood?

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Recently, I have been inspired by Sofia and Mark who share their visions every Friday with a brilliant podcast “Conversations in search of an authentic life”.

This week, they have raised a question why we have the need to be understood. To be honest, it’s been a question that is on my mind for some time now. This is what I have replied to them:

I will start with a quote by Soren Kierkegaard “People understand me so poorly that they don’t even understand my complaint about them not understanding me.”

I do agree with you on most parts. I would only say that we *can* possibly understand, perceive and accept a person who has completely different values or opinions, it’s all just matter of how open minded we are. It is very unlikely, though, that we meet such people cuz we try to bond with those who have the same values and feel the understanding for us at first place. But I wouldn’t reject the possibility, I am sure there are people different than us with genuine understanding.

Why do we want to be understood? Very good question to think of. I would also say it’s kind of reassurance for us, like Sofia said, some sort of mirror that perfectly reflects what is inside of us and also what we think it’s not visible. And like Mark said, it’s even better if the reflection is not only how we feel it inside but even better version (if it’s genuine).

For me, there is other side – when I don’t want to be understood. When I feel that kind of person or group of people are simply not worth understanding me. Alas, more often than not, that is the case. It’s way easier to be understood when you’re fitting into numb-nut society caring about shallow things. Right? 🙂 That’s why we have to go for innovative ways and blog, podcast so that we reach the right people.

Anyway, through your podcasts, I do feel understood, even though I sometimes “argue” during the podcasts 😀 So thank you for that and keep it up 🙂

Being in a state I am, there are new things I discover about myself every day. And the funny thing is, that nobody ever understand these new observations unless they went through the same thing – pregnancy.

We’ve been recently in Norway to visit my partner’s friends who live there. They got married just few weeks ago. We were joined by another couple from Poland who are also friends of my fiancee. I always liked his friends until that time. I thought they were very young and crazy but the truth is they have all changed after their marriages. They are very traditional (women separated, men separated all talking about their own bullshit) and very very close minded.

I had the worst week of my life over there. Feeling of being rejected and misunderstood, plus separated from the world that knows me. In their company I felt like an alien, like somebody else. They do speak in a different language but I speak the language fluently. The problem was that none of them went through pregnancy related emotions and situations and they doubted my partner’s happiness.

It’s hard to explain what exactly happened there but I realized that through our life we meet a lot of people. And we tend to discard the ones we don’t really like and bond with those who suits us because they maybe understand us in a great or small way. What I want to say is that I never had to meet with people who I didn’t like because they were either dumb or shallow and now I don’t have a choice. I can’t separate long term friends.

Truth. You know what’s so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is however long they’ve lived without it. No one forgets the truth, they just get better at lying… So in the end, their judgments to us separated them from a person they liked. And I won’t have to push a pram with boring ladies talking about nonsense.

Anyway, there are moments when I crave to be understood more. By myself and the others. But I do have friends and soulmates who will always provide me the genuine feeling.

Introduction

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It seems to me that the state I am in now is best to come back to writing again. My emotions allow me to observe new things, things I have never noticed before. It’s been a pleasurable state of being and I would never say I will enjoy it this much.

Simply said, I am pregnant. And pregnancy package contains new feelings about the world itself. I’d like to share the perspective of unique, pregnant…woman.

That is the first major change since my last blog. The old blog was notion of “Girl, you’ll be a woman, soon”. And it simply happened. I struggled with it, fought it until I realize we all got to the point when we need to be adults.

It took me long to realize that being an adult doesn’t have to mean I need to get settled, routined or just like everybody else. Unfortunately, there are situations when I am pushed to be someone I am not. I am fighting well, even though I am left misunderstood.

About this and more, I will be blogging soon. Hope you will join me on my journey. 🙂

Life on reverse :)

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It’s funny how we go through life and every day feels differently. Whoever thinks is living in the routine is just wrong. Looking at my last post, everything feels different. Like my life has changed completely in just few months. 

Like. Not quite. It has changed forever and I am enjoying this change. There will be a time when I write more about these things. 

But so far, I just wanted to leave a positive post, letting you all know I am doing just great, actually better than ever before. 

Life taught me there will be tough times but I kind of understand that it needs to come sometimes. I guess I really grew up. 

Also, I don’t have many dime store wisdoms to share, I guess it’s because I am surrounded by them every day and don’t need to talk to myself on a blog. 

Life on reverse 🙂

Smile when it hurts most

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So I do. It makes no sense to cry because tears only make people feel sorry for you. They don’t actually mean they are sorry for what they have done. They’re just sorry it made you cry. It must have hurt then.

But it hurts most when you do not cry. When there are no tears left. Tears are emotions. I am empty now. I am dealing with things, once again in my life, which are beyond my maturity level.

I fucked up my life and lives those around me by pretending I can do this all. The truth is, I can’t. I am not ideal.

The truth is also that because of one and one person only, I isolated from the world that I loved. The world full of people who know me and never judge me, from a world that seeks peace, uniqueness and authenticity. When that only person disappoints and leaves you separated, alone and without tears to shed, your world starts to fall. And it is not comfortable to know you might carry his child by now.

Unfortunately, our relationship, our lovely, ideal, crazy-in-love relationship didn’t even last until our 2nd anniversary which is couple of days. It’s life. Just happens.

Now it’s time to grab those fallen pieces from the floor and build something. Maybe a conversation, maybe a new life for each and every one of us. Some people need to fucking decide what they want in life. I thought I knew, yet I am the one that it’s much younger.

I wonder why is that. That the world produced so many kidaults. There’s nothing wrong to go and watch Toy story 3 to me, but there is when an adult has a childish behaviours.

It all comes up to how we were raised. I was raised to be an adult. Some are raised to baby boys. Their problem and they will face it every two year with their new girlfriends when they feel like they already know them.

So life goes on…Happier Endings 🙂

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