So are you still into shooting?

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That’s a question one of my friends asked me. People from my creative background remember well how much I wanted to record videos, music videos and just observe the world through lenses.

I even bought myself a decent camcorder in 2006 and nice mac but eventually that wasn’t really enough. I spent hours putting things together, waiting 12 hours until the stuff loaded into my computer, had bought better cables until I lost the fight with technology and also with my capabilities as director.

Camera has been barely used and it’s still at home under my bed waiting for me…I guess to sell it eventually. I only resist to sell it because of the little cassettes that contain tangible memories of that time. Once in a year when I find them, I go through it, smile and cry and I love the content because it’s personal.

So when the friend raised a question whether I am still trying to progress I felt guilty at first. As everybody who regret not doing something I tried to find excuses: “Well, I don’t have a good equipment”, “my mac has broken down” until I realized few seconds after this that it is not about the equipment, it’s about the missing inspiration.

And I confessed it right after that it wasn’t about that. It was just because one day I stopped trying and it died out. That’s how I approached writing blogs or speaking in sophisticated English. It all died out without trying.

People used to tell me what a good writer I was. I never believed them cuz for me it’s hard to judge. I don’t question what I write or the way I write and my English worsened a lot even though I live in UK and work there. But once you stop using the language and just mumble the shit everyone else does – you’re at basic level again

So eventually, there might be a time when I get back to shooting. Or maybe just directing, writing scripts. Who knows. As that old Slovak-American professor said in the bus “Once you got talent, you don’t need to go to school. It’s there”. So let’s see. We all have a huge potential in us and we should pursue it.

I see colors again

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Funniest thing is, that exactly in this month last year, I was quite active writer on my old blog. It is also very interesting, that in three posts one after another, I write about expectations. And I’d like to re-post them, just to show you the different, yet still the same perspective I have after a year.

Long time ago I was taught that to have any kind of expectation is wrong. It’s hard to live up to somebody’s expectations. Especially in love. Love is about accepting someone for who they are…without expectations. I used to be a person whose imagination created expectations which would be impossible for any man to meet. I was a dreamer.

But when I learned the principles of love long time ago, I was freed from expectations. It’s not that you lose your vision of how something “should” be. It’s that you are open to possibilities and you do not put any pressure on certain people/things.

I am now undergoing an online study by MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology). A place where I always wanted to study because great Noam Chomsky is teaching there. First I chose economy but failing to understand higher levels of Math, I chose Philosophy&Linguistics and I am about to choose one more area of studies.

Because of these various lectures I am back to finding myself, acquiring the strength of Bliss in me and trying to do something with all the potential that still is inside of me.

I just wanted to write simple thing, actually. That expectations have good side. In a lecture provided by MIT I read that “Studies suggest that if a math teacher believes that the girls in his class cannot do math as well as the boys, this seems have the effect that the girls do worse. PEOPLE TEND TO FULFILL THE EXPECTATIONS THAT OTHERS HAVE OF THEM.”

That would eventually explain few things in my life right now. To a certain period I had lived an ordinary life until somebody came a started to believe in me. Support was 24/7 and it had an additional effect that I was fulfilling the invisible expectations to become more and more satisfied with myself and also satisfy people who supported me along the way. From one day to another those people almost weren’t possible to count. So I continued to lead a successful life.

It’s nonetheless true that I was a teenager. Things back then were so easy to do. The best thing of all was that I didn’t necessarily *needed* to do any of these things; I simply *wanted* to.

Life has changed since then. So many people who believed in me and supported me are slowly making step after step away from me. Together with them I make those backwards steps with a thought that there should be only one person now who stands by my side and fully supports me.

Indeed, I have this person. Yet there isn’t always the exact support I would expect and most of all, there are many things I simply have to do without a choice. It highly demotivates me but still I am trying to get back to my old ways.

I wish somebody still expected great things from me and bet on me as the only person who is worth to bet on in this world. It has always been a pleasant feeling, now a memory.

Stolen moments of bliss

They are what I crave for the most. In my life, I have reached many things. And my journey has only begun. But something has been missing. Friendship without expectations, sharing love, ideas. Listening, laughing and even shedding tears… getting touched by art…

For one tiny moment, I’d love to feel all of that again. I will never let it go from my memory. Cuz until I remember it, it is all real.

And last one:

I don’t even know how to start. It’s not gonna be meaningful. My life is no more meaningful. I am struggling. And nobody is trying to help.

It seems everybody know what I should be doing. And when someone says “you should” I am doing the opposite. I am seriously brokenhearted by this life. How could I possibly try to “stand tall” when everytime I fall and try to get up even a best friend comes and tell me to take a seat.

I can’t help myself thinking that people try to push me to certain decisions. It’s not the expectations of greatness like it used to be…it’s just the “should do” attitude without motivating me somehow.

I am just so ashamed of what I have become. All the magic is gone and I can’t escape it. I can’t believe in myself anymore – I have no reasons. Past is gone and the memories are only painful now. Memories of person that once did something. Even though it was just a beginning of seizing my full potential.

The closest persons on Earth seems the most distant. I feel alone, inconsistent and childish… and as I always knew, it was only our decision of how we feel, how what attitude we have…

I just want to scream it out of me…cry it out and hope that tomorrow a NEW SUN WILL COME UP. But it just doesn’t.

There isn’t a single person now who I could do this all for. So I stay where I am. It’s not worth for me to even try…

 

I got everything now. In that bleak end of October 2009 I hid something so valuable in myself and it was pounding on my soul for all those months. Being in Slovakia again and having really moments of thinking and sharing words – it is awakened. And my no means I will ever try to hide it again. Today I woke up and feel I see the colors again. It’s such lightness of my human being that it is indeed almost unbearable in most positive way. I know exactly what was missing and it was only my fault that I let it go. I’ve had the support, yet I rejected it. But whatever happens now, I will always be sure I am Bliss in my core. I understand myself so well know, all that I had felt in the past, the frustrations caused by too many expectations. I forgot to dream and take little things in life as most positive ones. I can’t stop smiling. 🙂

Living Lies

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“Living life, fulfilling it by buying lies. ” – Bliss

It occured to me after difficult emotional weekend that people live their lives by buying lies. They try to fool their reality into something that it is not just because they are afraid of the dark aspects of life.

I don’t think I had slept tonight and I decided on one thing. To survive, you’ve got to think about life as you were at school. You don’t agree with most things they teach you but you’ve got to obey their rules so once you’re out of it, you will play by your own.

But how could you get out of your false life? Well, as far as me, I will escape by writing blog posts, seeking authenticity and talking to soulmates. I know that it is the way I am supposed to live my real life but there isn’t a way for me to be me right now. There is too much misunderstanding that is just not worth the pain.

Unfortunately, we people really show the most of us to people who mean least to us. Just because we seek the understanding. And when it doesn’t come, it’s time to be an actor or actress. My schoolmates said upon leaving school that once I will take an Oscar. Well I do think I will for the lifelong role of happy wife with kids, pushing pram among shallow people, laughing at their pointless jokes and watching their stupid films or soap operas.

I do realize, as I write, that it is completely wrong. But I guess it will be a life of a spy. Pretending I am one of them while laughing at their reality on my blog. That’s the only way I figured out so far and it might change on Wednesday or later in my life.

I never wanted to give in, I thought I could be me. I silenced myself on my old blog which was a clear sign that something is wrong with me. I tried to explain it to my loving one that I don’t want to wake up in 5 years and realize it’s not me. For two and half years I tried to be me as much as possible and I think I was doing just great. Until I really got to a point when in my life, there were only shallow people and I fought with them. That is when everybody turned their backs to me, including the one I love/d.

Nowadays, I know nobody around me understand me. And just as I said in my last blog, I will not allow them to understand me because they are not worth it. It’s too many of them and I look like a fool just because I seek authentic life not routine or lies.

I didn’t want to go along and quietly accept it no matter what I felt  because ultimately I would internalize with what I was saying. That’s why I need to be fully aware of the spy game and keep myself sane among my true friends and my blog where I hope to find similar people in the future.

The rules are simple. Basically never say what you truly think, smile like you’ve just smoked pot and pretend to live the lies they love. Maybe they will eventually teach me something through my own observations.

Still you might ask what’s the point to go against my own beliefs? Well simply cuz I do have the courage to do it, compared to them, they would never even dared to try going the less travelled way.

“Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in the wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

If it doesn’t work  I hope I will have enough courage to be myself and leave. Because even the fear of death is nothing compared to the fear of not having lived authentically and fully. And if I can’t do it this “game way”, then I need to really do it.

Unfortunately, life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. So I am moving on. May I *live* all days of my life from now.

Why do we crave to be understood?

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Recently, I have been inspired by Sofia and Mark who share their visions every Friday with a brilliant podcast “Conversations in search of an authentic life”.

This week, they have raised a question why we have the need to be understood. To be honest, it’s been a question that is on my mind for some time now. This is what I have replied to them:

I will start with a quote by Soren Kierkegaard “People understand me so poorly that they don’t even understand my complaint about them not understanding me.”

I do agree with you on most parts. I would only say that we *can* possibly understand, perceive and accept a person who has completely different values or opinions, it’s all just matter of how open minded we are. It is very unlikely, though, that we meet such people cuz we try to bond with those who have the same values and feel the understanding for us at first place. But I wouldn’t reject the possibility, I am sure there are people different than us with genuine understanding.

Why do we want to be understood? Very good question to think of. I would also say it’s kind of reassurance for us, like Sofia said, some sort of mirror that perfectly reflects what is inside of us and also what we think it’s not visible. And like Mark said, it’s even better if the reflection is not only how we feel it inside but even better version (if it’s genuine).

For me, there is other side – when I don’t want to be understood. When I feel that kind of person or group of people are simply not worth understanding me. Alas, more often than not, that is the case. It’s way easier to be understood when you’re fitting into numb-nut society caring about shallow things. Right? 🙂 That’s why we have to go for innovative ways and blog, podcast so that we reach the right people.

Anyway, through your podcasts, I do feel understood, even though I sometimes “argue” during the podcasts 😀 So thank you for that and keep it up 🙂

Being in a state I am, there are new things I discover about myself every day. And the funny thing is, that nobody ever understand these new observations unless they went through the same thing – pregnancy.

We’ve been recently in Norway to visit my partner’s friends who live there. They got married just few weeks ago. We were joined by another couple from Poland who are also friends of my fiancee. I always liked his friends until that time. I thought they were very young and crazy but the truth is they have all changed after their marriages. They are very traditional (women separated, men separated all talking about their own bullshit) and very very close minded.

I had the worst week of my life over there. Feeling of being rejected and misunderstood, plus separated from the world that knows me. In their company I felt like an alien, like somebody else. They do speak in a different language but I speak the language fluently. The problem was that none of them went through pregnancy related emotions and situations and they doubted my partner’s happiness.

It’s hard to explain what exactly happened there but I realized that through our life we meet a lot of people. And we tend to discard the ones we don’t really like and bond with those who suits us because they maybe understand us in a great or small way. What I want to say is that I never had to meet with people who I didn’t like because they were either dumb or shallow and now I don’t have a choice. I can’t separate long term friends.

Truth. You know what’s so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is however long they’ve lived without it. No one forgets the truth, they just get better at lying… So in the end, their judgments to us separated them from a person they liked. And I won’t have to push a pram with boring ladies talking about nonsense.

Anyway, there are moments when I crave to be understood more. By myself and the others. But I do have friends and soulmates who will always provide me the genuine feeling.

Smile when it hurts most

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So I do. It makes no sense to cry because tears only make people feel sorry for you. They don’t actually mean they are sorry for what they have done. They’re just sorry it made you cry. It must have hurt then.

But it hurts most when you do not cry. When there are no tears left. Tears are emotions. I am empty now. I am dealing with things, once again in my life, which are beyond my maturity level.

I fucked up my life and lives those around me by pretending I can do this all. The truth is, I can’t. I am not ideal.

The truth is also that because of one and one person only, I isolated from the world that I loved. The world full of people who know me and never judge me, from a world that seeks peace, uniqueness and authenticity. When that only person disappoints and leaves you separated, alone and without tears to shed, your world starts to fall. And it is not comfortable to know you might carry his child by now.

Unfortunately, our relationship, our lovely, ideal, crazy-in-love relationship didn’t even last until our 2nd anniversary which is couple of days. It’s life. Just happens.

Now it’s time to grab those fallen pieces from the floor and build something. Maybe a conversation, maybe a new life for each and every one of us. Some people need to fucking decide what they want in life. I thought I knew, yet I am the one that it’s much younger.

I wonder why is that. That the world produced so many kidaults. There’s nothing wrong to go and watch Toy story 3 to me, but there is when an adult has a childish behaviours.

It all comes up to how we were raised. I was raised to be an adult. Some are raised to baby boys. Their problem and they will face it every two year with their new girlfriends when they feel like they already know them.

So life goes on…Happier Endings 🙂