It was the call of all those fortuities

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that gave me the courage and positive insight for all the days to come. And I am going to write about few things that have happened in my homeland while I am here. I am afraid that once I am back in UK this will be just a nice memory and I want to express my feelings now they’re fresh.

Being at home this time was like no other time before. I could have seized more time but everything has had its place and time. I can’t believe I almost gave up and didn’t want to travel to Slovakia. Oh how much I would never gain.

First I had the best weekend with my best friends Lubka and Gulia and her little son Daniel. Amazing feeling to hook up again, surrounded by peaceful child that never cries and his smiles make your day. This time I wasn’t depressed by what I have seen like last time cuz I know Gulia and her family is doing way better now. Lubka is the one that has changed the least and I love to be around her and observe the life that she has.

Then I spent good amount of time with my mother. I would never say I will enjoy that but the truth is, one long conversation was enough and as day went by I didn’t not needed to hear or say more.

I went to school, spoke to Janko an inspirational mentor and teacher of economics who seemed so proud of me and I love him for that. I wish we had more time. I had a coffee with my class teacher, person that I feel so close to since we finished school. She has been amazing to us, especially to me.

Among all these things I met some of the most important people in my life who made me feel alive again. Lubka said today that during the weekend she noticed that I was bit negative about things and she felt it was because of some burden I carried. Tonight, I am so freed from all the burdens and I will fight with smile if something wants to get me out of control again. I don’t want to feel like before, I want to be exactly who I am now, a person I have always been proud of.

It is indeed true that if you think positively, positive things will happen to you. Tonight I met an old guy around 70 in bus. He was very strange until he told me he used to be a sociology professor and lived in Chicago for years. He invited me for a coffee and I actually regret that I refused. The small talk we had was amazing and he seemed something like that would help us both. Nice to see an elegant old man around here, too. Another person and situation that made me shake my head how unbelievable life is and how beautiful it is. It made me smile again even though I am practically smiling all the time 🙂

It’s been an amazing journey and I am gonna see my brother tomorrow after a year and his girlfriend and I am pretty damn sure that is gonna be inspirational too. I really loved being here this time and I *can’t* wait until me and my little one will come over to see all those people again. Exceptional stay, really. I love coming home.

I see colors again

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Funniest thing is, that exactly in this month last year, I was quite active writer on my old blog. It is also very interesting, that in three posts one after another, I write about expectations. And I’d like to re-post them, just to show you the different, yet still the same perspective I have after a year.

Long time ago I was taught that to have any kind of expectation is wrong. It’s hard to live up to somebody’s expectations. Especially in love. Love is about accepting someone for who they are…without expectations. I used to be a person whose imagination created expectations which would be impossible for any man to meet. I was a dreamer.

But when I learned the principles of love long time ago, I was freed from expectations. It’s not that you lose your vision of how something “should” be. It’s that you are open to possibilities and you do not put any pressure on certain people/things.

I am now undergoing an online study by MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology). A place where I always wanted to study because great Noam Chomsky is teaching there. First I chose economy but failing to understand higher levels of Math, I chose Philosophy&Linguistics and I am about to choose one more area of studies.

Because of these various lectures I am back to finding myself, acquiring the strength of Bliss in me and trying to do something with all the potential that still is inside of me.

I just wanted to write simple thing, actually. That expectations have good side. In a lecture provided by MIT I read that “Studies suggest that if a math teacher believes that the girls in his class cannot do math as well as the boys, this seems have the effect that the girls do worse. PEOPLE TEND TO FULFILL THE EXPECTATIONS THAT OTHERS HAVE OF THEM.”

That would eventually explain few things in my life right now. To a certain period I had lived an ordinary life until somebody came a started to believe in me. Support was 24/7 and it had an additional effect that I was fulfilling the invisible expectations to become more and more satisfied with myself and also satisfy people who supported me along the way. From one day to another those people almost weren’t possible to count. So I continued to lead a successful life.

It’s nonetheless true that I was a teenager. Things back then were so easy to do. The best thing of all was that I didn’t necessarily *needed* to do any of these things; I simply *wanted* to.

Life has changed since then. So many people who believed in me and supported me are slowly making step after step away from me. Together with them I make those backwards steps with a thought that there should be only one person now who stands by my side and fully supports me.

Indeed, I have this person. Yet there isn’t always the exact support I would expect and most of all, there are many things I simply have to do without a choice. It highly demotivates me but still I am trying to get back to my old ways.

I wish somebody still expected great things from me and bet on me as the only person who is worth to bet on in this world. It has always been a pleasant feeling, now a memory.

Stolen moments of bliss

They are what I crave for the most. In my life, I have reached many things. And my journey has only begun. But something has been missing. Friendship without expectations, sharing love, ideas. Listening, laughing and even shedding tears… getting touched by art…

For one tiny moment, I’d love to feel all of that again. I will never let it go from my memory. Cuz until I remember it, it is all real.

And last one:

I don’t even know how to start. It’s not gonna be meaningful. My life is no more meaningful. I am struggling. And nobody is trying to help.

It seems everybody know what I should be doing. And when someone says “you should” I am doing the opposite. I am seriously brokenhearted by this life. How could I possibly try to “stand tall” when everytime I fall and try to get up even a best friend comes and tell me to take a seat.

I can’t help myself thinking that people try to push me to certain decisions. It’s not the expectations of greatness like it used to be…it’s just the “should do” attitude without motivating me somehow.

I am just so ashamed of what I have become. All the magic is gone and I can’t escape it. I can’t believe in myself anymore – I have no reasons. Past is gone and the memories are only painful now. Memories of person that once did something. Even though it was just a beginning of seizing my full potential.

The closest persons on Earth seems the most distant. I feel alone, inconsistent and childish… and as I always knew, it was only our decision of how we feel, how what attitude we have…

I just want to scream it out of me…cry it out and hope that tomorrow a NEW SUN WILL COME UP. But it just doesn’t.

There isn’t a single person now who I could do this all for. So I stay where I am. It’s not worth for me to even try…

 

I got everything now. In that bleak end of October 2009 I hid something so valuable in myself and it was pounding on my soul for all those months. Being in Slovakia again and having really moments of thinking and sharing words – it is awakened. And my no means I will ever try to hide it again. Today I woke up and feel I see the colors again. It’s such lightness of my human being that it is indeed almost unbearable in most positive way. I know exactly what was missing and it was only my fault that I let it go. I’ve had the support, yet I rejected it. But whatever happens now, I will always be sure I am Bliss in my core. I understand myself so well know, all that I had felt in the past, the frustrations caused by too many expectations. I forgot to dream and take little things in life as most positive ones. I can’t stop smiling. 🙂